What’s your name, or what should we call you?
Call me Sally. *I want to remain anonymous because I have anxiety. It’s not at all because I’m ashamed. I preach Alliance’s services all the time to people, and I thank HRA for referring me. This place saves lives. And you put up with a lot, you work with people going through heavy shit.
We’re all in the same boat. Stigmatizing us isn’t going to get us anywhere. I just want to remain anonymous for reasons I can’t even articulate, just my anxiety, but I really want to share my story in case it helps anyone going through similar circumstances.*
Can you tell us a little about yourself?
I grew up in Flushing, Queens. I’ve been in Flushing my whole life. My parents’ house is two blocks from where I live now. My parents were my best friends. But I have a wonderful partner, he’s been with me for about 16 years, through everything. He’s also a client at Alliance.
What are your hobbies?
I like to read. I’m a big horror fanatic; I’ve read every Stephen King book at least three times. Gerald’s Game is probably my favorite book. I watch the movie adaptations of all and they’re good but none do justice to his writing. He’s brilliant. I mean, The Shining movie is pretty good.
When did you start coming to Alliance and what services do you access here?
About a year ago. I go to other care management agencies too, but they don’t provide the structure Alliance does. A friend recommended me to Alliance just before the start of the pandemic, so I didn’t really come too much. But I come here for groups on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It’s a long ride from Flushing, but I love the groups here, and the routine of coming here is really helpful for my mental health.
Fan art of Stephen King, found at https://www.pinterest.com/pin/470907704760464150/
Do you work?
I had to quit my job because it was taking a major toll on my mental health. I used to work 7 days/week, and believe me, if I could work, I would. But it’s always been terrible for my mental health, caring for that is really like a full-time job. Believe me, I want to.
What were your drugs of choice?
Alcohol, because I was bartending, so it was unavoidable. And then I got into cocaine and heroin. Since I started Methadone in 2014, it curbs my cravings. I’m down to one bag a day. Quitting cocaine is a walk in the park. It’s mental. Benzos and opiates are physical. You feel the sickness all over your body.
Because I’m an addict, it really takes a lot of structure to not abuse any of the pills I’m prescribed for my chronic conditions, but I don’t. I take five medications, six if you count the methadone. (On Medicaid, Food Stamps, Welfare—applying for Disability)
I don’t smoke or inject drugs, but I typically sniff them, so the safer sniffing kits are great for keeping myself safe.
What has your recovery looked like?
Relapses are going to happen. I don’t need to be stigmatized. I
I joined the program in 2014 doing almost 100 bags a day. I joined Human Resources Administration (HRA).
What services do you get at Alliance?
Support groups and safer use supplies. I’m in Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. My God, I love the women’s group on Fridays. Everyone who runs our groups, CC, Lillian, Carol, are amazing. They’re like family. I’m in care management as well, they’re always looking out for me, and currently they are helping me apply for disability.
What were some of your triggers?
Anxiety. I have severe PTSD, anxiety, and much more, so it’s very easy for things to trigger me. So having structure is big for me. I go all the way to Alliance and HRA (also in lower Manhattan) because the routines are important for me. Having a good support system helps my mental health.
Do you have any reservations about taking Suboxone instead of methadone?
I was on Suboxone many years ago, but I felt the doctor who prescribed it to me was very rude and impatient. For one reason or another, it stopped working eventually, and my methadone treatment is doing pretty good for me. I go to a methadone clinic near Alliance.
How do you think your life will be different when you’ve been sober for months or years?
I’ll have more control over my life, I’ll be more relaxed in general. I’ll savor the little things more because something won’t have a hold over me, I’ll be so at peace.
What are the small victories in your recovery, and how do you savor them?
When I decide not to use an extra bag, or I can go another day without it, because this is a disease I’ve been living with for decades! Talking about my recovery is a victory. Staying on top of my health issues, like my heart, and my mental health are small victories.
What advice can you give to someone who’s just beginning their recovery journey?
Find the people who care about you, and be honest with them. Especially your care managers, they are there to help you. Be honest with yourself, most of all. How are you going to know how to get from A to B if you don’t even know what A is? And look, there’s a lot of case management agencies in New York, but a lot of the people are overworked and underpaid, so you need to find the right agency that cares about you and works for you.
Do you have a philosophy in life, or in harm reduction?
Harm reduction saves lives, hands down. Meeting a person wherever they’re at in their journey makes a huge difference. I mean, so many people are laser focused on abstinence, that just isn’t possible for everyone. It’s a disease. I’ve been battling this for decades, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m close! And without harm reduction centers, I might’ve died before I could get to this place. This is my journey, and I’ll stay the course until I get where I want to be.