Can you tell us a little about yourself? How would people close to you describe you?
I’m 48 years old. I’m a native New Yorker, born in the Bronx. I’m an outgoing person. I like to work outdoors, and play sports. All sports. Football, basketball, baseball, softball, field hockey, track, everything. I’m a Raiders fan because my favorite uncle was a Raiders fan, that’s why I wanted you to use a photo of Bo Jackson. I love God, I feel very spiritual. I used drugs for a very long-time. I’m sober now, and I’m writing a memoir going through different events in my life, because I have a story to tell. I think I can uplift and encourage people going through similar situations.
What should I call you? Some people we interview like to go by pseudonyms--
You can use my real name. I’m very proud of myself. I’m proud of taking big steps to try to change my life. You have to want it in your heart. If you don’t really want it, you’re not going to be successful for long. I wanted this and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don’t think anyone’s going to understand what that means until they’ve been there. Once I made up my it was like “okay, what am I going to do now?”
When did you start using, and what were your drugs of choice?
In my teenage years. I started with powder cocaine, drinking. Heroin didn’t really come into play until my early 20s. That pretty much took over everything else, it was my entire life. It was a physical addiction.
What are your triggers?
Well, I couldn’t physically function without heroin. But stress at home was a trigger too, for sure. Any type of stress. Stress at home. What’s different right now is the change in my heart. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. My first few weeks on methadone, I still had the urge to use heroin again. But I had made up my mind.
How long has it been since you last used? How has your life changed since then?
I’ve been sober since December. I was sober for longer before, but that was when I was incarcerated, so it wasn’t really my choice to not use. Now it is.
My mentality is so much more positive now than it was before I stopped using. Everything is half full now, not half empty. It’s not like “oh no, if I lose this half, I’m empty.” Now it’s like “Okay, I’ve got a half glass, that means I can get another and I’ll be full!” My life circumstances aren’t great, I’m still living in a shelter, but my mind state is totally different.
What are your goals now?
Things with my family are good, and a lot of that is due to my mentality. I have five kids with the same partner, ages 3 to 28. I don’t live with them but me and my partner now talk on the phone every night, and we’ve gotten closer. We’re both spiritual, and my half full mentality is helping us both feel confident.
What are some reasons people wouldn’t want to become sober?
Self-denial, because drugs are so powerful. They can dull the memories of just how good things can be. I missed the family memories and connection to God when I was using all the time. I’ve missed that so, so much, and I didn’t know it until I got sober.
When did you start coming to Alliance LES Harm Reduction Center?
A friend of mine told me about the methadone program that I’ve been on, and he also referred me to Alliance in November. I got Narcan and safer use supplies a few times but then I stopped using drugs.
I come to Alliance’s groups, different days. Everything stays in the group, we respect confidentiality and we have open discussions to speak what’s on your mind. It’s freeing. Sometimes I need a little encouragement, and the people in our groups always give it. It keeps me motivated, it’s nice to hear. Everyone needs encouragement.
And then I can talk to Ana, the CHOICES program manager, and Luis, my case manager. They’re amazing. Luis helped me set up social security appointments, and he came with me to dental surgery to take care of me afterward.
It’s nice to know there are people who care in their heart. Because I have a history of incarceration and drug use, a lot of people write you off, but I’m so grateful for the people in my life who care.
What are your near-term plans and goals?
In the near-future, I plan on moving into housing with the help of my case manager at the shelter . So they’ll let me look at a few places and I’ll move in within the next month or two. Then I’m going to see what type of jobs I can get. I have some medical conditions and I don’t want to do any more damage to my body. I want to re-enter physical therapy to heal up from a serious back surgery I had years ago. I had two crushed vertebrates, doctors thought I wouldn’t walk again, but I did. I walk with a walker but I want to dedicate myself even more to physical therapy and heal up so I don’t need that walker.
I want to get some part time work and still keep my disability entitlements. Like I said, I’m also writing a memoir. I want to publish it and get it out into the world.