I am a 57 year old black gay male living with HIV. When I was 25 years old my mother passed away. When that happened it put me into a deep dark depression.
I was also infected unknowingly with HIV after my partner told me I should be tested after he was told by a prior partner that he was positive. At the end of the day I think he already knew that he was positive and never cared to share with me after we had intercourse.
At first my test came back inclusive. So I tested again 3 months later and the results were Positive, and that ended the relationship.
I have always dabbled with cocaine but wasn’t introduced to crack cocaine until I met someone new. This relationship was toxic for me mentally and physically but I never fought back because I would have wound up in jail for murder. The last straw in the relationship happened when he burned my face with a hot iron.
I wanted help so I went to Bronx Lebanon Hospital and was transferred into this program in Alabama called Self Discovery. The 30 days I was there it felt like paradise. Being treated with kindness and passion.
After a couple of weeks in the program we were even allowed to go out and attend other NA meetings. I didn’t want to leave but I knew I my life was back home in New York.
It wasn’t too long before I got back home and I repeated the same behavior. I spiraled out of control. I called my cousins to come rescue me. I couldn’t bear to live like this anymore. I relapsed once more but this time I was sick of being sick and tired.
During my relapses I realized I never fought my real demon. Something I have never told anyone. I was molested at the age of 16. Once I was able to admit it and say it out loud that demon was defeated and the next one was my addiction. I was able to beat that as well and finally able to live a happy healthy life.
I graduated from the Arrive Program and in 2010 one of my friends introduced me to ASCNYC which is now Alliance for Positive Change. I enrolled in the HOPE Program and soon after that I became a Peer and then within 2 years at Alliance I was offered an opportunity to become a senior peer liaison.